"If you are a girl; it will not feel very good - if you are a boy; it will be over so fast you won't know for sure how it felt. " The above is an excerpt discussing how teenagers will feel after their first sexual experience, from an online teen sex advice column by Michael Hardcastle (source can be found here: http://teenadvice.about.com/library/weekly/aa051500b.htm)
He goes on to state, "For boys, the "first time" is a sort of stepping stone to manhood, a sign that you are well on your way to being a real man. For girls, visions of the first time are often clouded with ideas of romance that are more based in dreams than in reality."
Unfortunately, this discourse of regret, trauma, and lack of desire are probably among the most common ways to describe first time sexual experiences of young women in the public sphere. Although undoubtedly some women's first time may, unfortunately, be negative and cause for regret, there exists a huge chasm between the way first time sexual experiences are discussed for (and by) men and women. In the second part of this advice, Hardcastle likens a male adolescent's first time as being a rite into manhood. Too bad for those poor, confused, distant from reality teenaged girls. Those dumb girls are in for a rude awakening, aren't they? *sigh*. Not only is Hardcastle certain that "it will not feel very good" emotionally for girls, but because the line between fantasy and reality is so dim for us gauzy, ethereal creatures we are really better off sticking to our romance novels.
Note to Hardcastle: Pleasure and desire are absent discourses in many "first time" stories told by young women, not because most women experience trauma or regret, but because it is a safe and acceptable sexualized gender story for girls to tell.Fortunately, some groups are trying to change the stories that are okay for girls and women to tell about their sexual experiences. AVERT.com (AVERTing HIV & AIDS) has created an online space for youth to discuss their first experiences, or reasons why they decided to wait. Interestingly, some young women actually engaged with personal agency, made decisions about when to get sexually involved and with whom, and enjoyed it. In this story related by "Parisa", not only is she convinced that she was sure she wanted to go ahead with intercourse, she confirmed with her partner that he did as well.
"Soon enough we were completely naked... he looked me in the eyes and told me he loved me more than anything in the world. then he kissed my forehead and asked me if i really wanted to go through with it, he didn't want me to do anything i regretted. I said yes, wholeheartedly, without an ounce of doubt in my mind. Then i asked him if he was sure he wanted to go through with it as well. He kissed my on the lips softly and said he wanted me to be his first and last. He wasn't an idiot though, he was very careful and made sure he brought condoms... and i highly reccomend using condoms because fearing pregnancy is the worst feeling in the world. So anyways... he slipped on a condom and we started making out again... we had a hard time getting it in the first time so i got on top to make it easier. The first time it only went in about half way. It hurt so bad beause he bought "non lubricated condoms", so we gave up and went out bought different condoms and came back and did it again... this time it went in all the way and didn't hurt quite as much. He was soo worried about me the whole time though, he kept asking me if i was okay and telling me that he loves me... he also kept getting worried and asking me if i wanted to stop. But anyways... this site helped me make my decision and i don't regret anything. Just make sure you know you're giving it up to the right person...."
Even as adults, we often make wrong choices or have regrets about our sexual experiences. But oh, it's so lovely when it's fun, safe and our choices are made from an empowered place. Here's hoping for more of those kinds of stories.
For more first person stories from AVERT, see:http://www.avert.org/morefirsttime.htm
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